Swinger Couple and they lifestyle

Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions. Most people don’t quite know exactly what swingers do or why they do it.  I am hoping this interview will shed some light on this lifestyle.

My first question is, what is the difference between an open relation/marriage and a swinger lifestyle?

S&C: My wife and I started our relationship as ‘open’, actually. ‘Open’ is a status where you and/or your partner can date or sleep with people outside of the relationship. As far as my wife and I are concerned, a relationship is open to feelings (like falling in love with someone outside of the established relationship) and there’s a lot of overlap with polyamory. Swinging is more specifically about sleeping with people versus dating them. As far as swinging goes, for the most part, the limit of the relationship is friends with benefits.

How long have you and your wife been in the lifestyle? How did you start? Tell us your story. 

S&C: Three or four years officially identifying ourselves as swingers, quite a bit longer if you count us sleeping with people outside of our relationship, though those generally with people we were close with. (We are still ‘open’ as far as developing a feeling for other people as well.)

Do you think swinger marriages/relationships last longer than monogamous marriages/relationships because the two parties have less incentive to cheat on each other?

S&C: While this argument makes sense logically, relationships hardly follow the logic. If a relationship is doomed, it’s going to end… if not from cheating, then probably from something else. However, I have seen the good relationships end where I feel that they would have worked out fine if either party were more open to the idea of being ‘open’ or even swinging.

What made you decide to opt for a swinger lifestyle? Was it an easy decision? Or did you have to think about it?

S&C: We’ve always been open to dating outside of our relationship from just about the very beginning. After dating a few women and a few friends with benefits experiences (and quite a few threesomes), I figured something out about my wife: she has a bit of a fetish. Every time she’d seen me or heard about me sleeping with another woman, she’d get very aroused and ask me about it, and, to put it crudely, didn’t give me much of a choice in fucking her. Fast forward some time and I heard about swinging, I think it was from that National Geographic show Taboo. We both talked it over and decided to give it a try. Had a not so great experience (bad party, not because of us being jealous or anything like that). Tried it again a few years later on a whim and it’s been awesome.

Did you have ‘rules’ and when you started?

S&C: Our rules are very loose. If you ask if you can do something with my wife, my answer is “ask her”. Same with her. The big rules, though, are:

·         No family (I can’t invite her sister even if my wife were to sit out that night. Pretty reasonable, but it came up during a drunken conversation once.

·         No photos/video (Wife works somewhere with a morality clause and could lose a job and pension.)

·         Always use a condom unless we’ve known you for a long time and we can see recent STD test results.

·         Some couples are weird about kissing. We are completely open to it.

·         No pain or impact play.

·         Don’t bring work home (No fucking co-workers. We’ve broken this rule once with good results, but it’s a bad rule to break in general.)

How has swinging affected your relationship/marriage?

S&C: As good as it was before, I’d say it’s a hundred times better. We’re both uninhibited when it comes to flirting or seeing other people as attractive. I catch my wife staring at people from time to time and it’s usually something like “hey [wife], what are you looking at?” “Our waitress has a fat ass…” (My wife has a thing for asses and hips.) Being attracted to someone is human nature. Swinging lets you be less inhibited about it and therefore more human.

Do some swingers ever get jealous when they see their partner with another man/woman?

S&C: Sometimes. Usually, newbies who aren’t used to the idea or they’ve talked their partner into showing up at a party so they can get laid but the partner only gets to watch. You do occasionally see drama at parties and clubs related to this, but the organizers are real quick to ‘86 them. The most jealousy I experience is not being invited to join a session after flirting with one of the participants. It’s almost never about my wife. I did get jealous at the beginning -- more protective, really -- but I’ve since gotten over it. She’s a big girl. If she wants to suck that guy's dick, I’m okay with it. My wife also used to get jealous, but it was more than she wanted to play with the lady I was playing with and that lady was having any of it.

What are some of the positives, for you, of the swinger lifestyle?

S&C: Well for one, we get laid a lot. The big positive, though, is how inviting and friendly most everybody is. If you show up and don’t want to play, swingers understand. They’ll still drink, dance, talk sports, etc. There are always exceptions in every group, but for the most part, swingers have been the nicest, most inviting, understanding, and non-judgmental people I’ve ever hung out with. Also, so many threesomes and foursomes.

Do you have any advice for couples, wanting to get into the lifestyle? 

S&C: Lots and lots:

·         If the thought of someone being sexual with your partner nauseates you, I’d suggest not even looking into swinging unless it’s something you could get over. (I see posts on Reddit about one half of a couple is interested in swinging and the other half is only looking into it because it came up in conversation.)

·         Don’t assume a particular mindset about people you meet in the lifestyle. The stereotype I read when other people bring up alternative lifestyles is hippie/liberal/new-age/politically correct/left wing. The people who actually swing are very much from all walks of life. Imagine a random sample of the over-21 people you’d see at a Costco. There’s a cute nerdy couple that shows up regularly to one of the parties we go to. (They both look super innocent but I once saw him go down on her immediately after chewing up a habanero pepper. Don’t ask, but she enjoyed it.) There’s an older biker couple. (Totally the guy you’d expect to take a tire iron to your face if you looked at him wrong. Nicest guy in the world.) A retired cop. A nurse. A shady salesman who sold the product to my employer. There’s a self-proclaimed redneck with the lifted bro-mobile. (If you can talk sports, cars, or getting into trouble for doing stupid shit as a kid, he’s great conversation.) There’s a couple in their 70’s with a walker and an aerospace engineer. There’s a particularly religious couple with a Jesus sticker on their car. There’s the drugged out slut who will sleep with literally anyone. (She actually mostly sober, completely clean, and most everything is an act. ‘The drugged out slut’ is just a side she lets out at parties.) I don’t know any of their politics but there’s guaranteed to be an argument if it’s brought up. (The demographic seems to match the general area where the party or club physically is.)

·         Women are in control. If a woman is feeling uncomfortable, there are 30 other dudes at the party who would love to be a hero and save the day if a woman says ‘stop’ and someone keeps going.

First timer’s advice once you’ve taken the plunge and are at a party or club:

·         If you’ve been chatting with someone and you seem to click well, a good pickup line actually is “hey, wanna fuck?”

·         If you’re a single male, find an open-minded female friend to bring. A number of parties won’t let single men in except as a guest of a couple. Sorry to say, single guys get the short end of the stick and will have a very hard time in this scene. Most of the single men I run into are there because their wife/girlfriend they always bring is sick that night. One, though, was married and got divorced while in the scene. This dude is a hilarious dude to hang out with and all of the women I know that know him say he’s amazing in bed.

·         Do not go with the expectation of having sex. Go with the expectation of meeting cool people who are very open to the idea of having sex. You still have to flirt and conversate.

·         Drink, but don’t get drunk. Smoke, but don’t get stoned as fuck.

If people are thinking about trying out the swinger lifestyle, how do they get started and what things should they take into consideration?

S&C: If they’re going to be near Lancaster, California during the third Thursday of any given month, give them my Reddit name. (They can also message me on SwingLifeStyle.com as ‘TotallyLegit’.) Otherwise, https://www.reddit.com/r/swingers is a good starting point. Generally, you’ll need an account with one of the many sites listed on the sidebar. I use SwingLifeStyle.com (SLS) which lists events which free users can sign up for. Since there’re good and bad parties and you probably want to see what kind of vibe a given party has, my suggestion is to look for an event that recently passed and message someone who went and ask for reviews.

I can’t speak for everywhere, but if you’re in southern California:

·         Cougar’s Den in Lancaster is a fun, laid-back party. Lots of regular guests so if you go each month, you’ll meet the same awesome people with a few new faces each month.

·         Club Pleasure Dome in Hesperia is the most ridiculous (in a good way) house I have ever seen. The best way to describe it is a series of connected concrete igloos. Their parties are similar to a dance club, but with fucking.

·         Club FA (and their associated resort) out in San Bernardino get a hell of a lot of good reviews but I have yet to go. I hear that the club is a fairly typical dance-club with on-premises play. The resort has cabins and a pool. The whole resort is clothing-optional.

·         Fun and Sexy in Palmdale was a party in a hotel which was a lot of fun, but I’m not sure if it’s a regularly recurring thing. The host runs all sorts of different types of events and has even helped get swinger cruises going.

·         She Devil’s parties are usually pretty good. She’s more into the fetish/kink thing so, while it’s mostly swinging, there might be a few leashes and flogs around.

Also, all of the good parties cost money. They also charge a differing rate based on your gender. Cougar’s Den, for example, is $20 for a couple, single female free, single male (limited admittance) $40. Some parties require a separate club membership as well. They do this to eliminate some of the low-lives and creepers who find their way into the scene; private clubs can exclude people for any reason at all but usually reserve that for people with a reputation of being creepy, stealing, starting drama, using hard drugs, or being shady in general.