Starting from zero
OFTEN THE MOST DIFFICULT STEP OF ALL IS SIMPLY SHARING THE IDEA WITH A SPOUSE.
I am often asked how one-half of a relationship can effectively introduce this topic to the other. I wrote a downloadable PDF “Introduction to the Hotwife Role” to assist in introducing the hotwife/cuckold dynamic to a wife/GF, but it requires that the couple has at least discussed the general concept of ‘sharing’ her already and it’s primarily for a male to share with female which makes it of limited use in situations where the wife/GF wants to introduce this idea.
I have long avoided trying to encapsulate this advice in a single post, but I’m going to try and do it here to help those couples who can’t or won’t contact me directly for such advice.
The first idea to accept and embrace is you two will have to talk about this openly at some point. Simply dropping hints about it will never be effective because no one will every want to take action that could so deeply impact a relationship only to have been mistaken in their understanding of the ‘hint’. The only thing that hints are good for is to identify potential avenues of conversation, role play or other interaction which can lead to more open dialogue.
There are some basic ideas to consider when it comes to inviting another male to have a sexual role in a relationship:
- the couple must have a functional, loving relationship; cuckolding doesn’t fix broken relationships
- the couple must be able, in a general sense, to communicate effectively
- the couple must be able to trust each other
- the couple must each have confidence in their relationship
- being married isn’t necessary, but commitment to the relationship is
- compromise is just as necessary here as ever
While both men and women first view the reality of having another male involved as a threat to the relationship, the reasons for that threat vary between the sexes. Men are raised to believe that another male is automatically a threat to a relationship – as if nothing more than interest in their wife/gf would cause her to run off with another guy. Obviously this is ridiculous, but that’s how males are taught to respond to it.
Women see the threat in terms of a violation of the repression they’ve bought into since they were girls (both social and religious in some cases) and rebel against the idea that their sexuality is their own to explore. Women also almost always assume their guy would never make such an offer unless he wanted other women as well.
- The basic direction to take as a wife/gf introducing this to a husband/boyfriend is to do so in a way that makes it clear the relationship is valued, the husband/boyfriend is valued and that this is an extension to it, not a threat to it.
- make it clear from the start his involvement is key to the enjoyment of it
- use the power of arousal against him; when he’s erect, he’s more attentive
- if he is responsive to you taking a more assertive role, start there
- The basic direction to take with a husband/boyfriend introducing this to a wife/gf is to demonstrate this is about her pleasure first, that it’s not a test of her morality or faithfulness and that her pleasure is his pleasure.
- free her of the guilt of being a sexually active woman
- enable her to feel empowered, in control
- if she would be responsive to a male in a more assertive role, suggest that
How do we communicate that? Well, that’s where it gets complicated, right?
A lot of evaluation has to happen before such conversations have to happen. Someone considering introducing this idea into their relationship should already have a good idea of how receptive the other is to considering things they’ve not experienced before. They should also have a good idea of how they’ve accomplished such things with them previously, whether sexual or not.
WHAT NOT TO DO
Be careful to not to inject more ideas and outcomes than is necessary. Remember that this has been on your mind for a long time and you’ve had time to think of it in a lot of detail. Your partner isn’t ready for all that detail. Topics like denial & chastity are often too much to take in when the idea of sharing at all is such a big step – take your time.
THE MALE JEALOUSY BARRIER
Feeling jealous and exhibiting jealousy are two different things. Feeling it is entirely natural and not necessarily controllable, but exhibiting it is absolutely controllable. Men who feel compelled to exhibit jealousy typically do so for one of two reasons:
- they lack self-confidence in themselves or
- they lack confidence in the relationship or
- they feel such behavior is expected of them to be masculine
Women in a relationship can tell very quickly if their partner is prone to jealousy. Women in a relationship where they have long been encouraged her to dress sexy are already way ahead because a jealous husband rarely encourages such behavior. A woman in a relationship where he vehemently opposes her being visually appealing around other men is highly insecure and will likely never be able to wrap his small mind around such topics. For women in the situation where their husband encourages her to dress sexy, it’s relatively simple from there to work in a bit of pillow talk to see exactly where his interest is. The desire to visually display the wife is simply the most non-threatening method of sharing her with others and it’s not a very far walk, in terms of pillow talk and role-play, to a place where more options become possible.
THE FEMALE JEALOUSY BARRIER
For the wives who are to be introduced to this topic, the jealousy barrier is different. First women assume a husband introducing this topic would only as a pretense to have another woman for himself. Secondly, few women imagine their husband as being capable of managing the jealousy that would come with her direct interaction with another (other) men. To combat these perceptions, an aspiring cuckold husband must work to prove his ability to control his jealousy, or put another way, to demonstrate that his confidence in their relationship is more powerful than any instinct to fear her involvement with another male.
There are always concrete reasons, often more than one, why someone believes this won’t work. To even know where to start with countering it, one has to know what those reasons are.
Most often the reluctance will stem from one or more of the following:
- self-confidence issues
- moral/ethical/religious reservations
- what will ‘others’ think?
- family/children concerns
- safety/health concerns
- the threat to the marriage
How to counter these points can be detailed so this isn’t the venue for discussing them all, but like any other endeavor, the key is to manage risk. If a logical path can be illustrated that counters each and every point of reluctance, the odds of moving forward are much higher.
THE PILLOW TALK HAS HEATED UP – NOW WHAT?
Some couples will reach a plateau where pillow talk is quite heated and erotic, but one of the two categorically states it will never proceed beyond that – now what? Now we’re back to the previous step – identify the source of that belief and counter it with both logical, realistic responses and consider real world scenarios to prove the point.
Real-world scenarios are those where a couple can dip a toe in the water of sharing without much real risk involved. The cliche idea of the wife getting hit on in a bar is a cliche for a reason: it’s done. A lot. It’s a great way to boost her confidence in being appealing to other men and it helps prove to her that the husband can sit back and effectively manage his jealousy. At the end of the evening – they go home together. Is a wife always going to get hit on when she socializes? Maybe not – that’s life. Remember to manage expectations and enjoy the process (dressing her up in something decidedly sexy, for example), not just the end result.
There are still countless variables in this process that cannot be easily accounted for here, but this is at least a macro level view of the process.
When a couple struggles just to have an open dialogue about something, I begin to fear they are either not good candidates for this – or at least are a long, long way from being able to consider it.