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How to Find Your Sexual Identity

An Interview with Coleen Singer, Sexpert at Porn For Women


What is 'sexual identity'? Explain

Sexual identity is how a person defines oneself in terms of sexual attraction. This is slightly different than “sexual orientation” as it does not limit itself to which gender is being considered in the Hetero -vs- LGBTQ realm, but may include several other variables such as being sexually dominant or submissive.


Why is understanding your sexual identity important? Explain.

Understanding one’s sexual identity is fundamental to a person’s finding the right sexual partner and overall sense of well-being. Identity formation, and specifically sexuality are of the most basic and essential aspects of being a human. Without having developed a clear self-awareness of sexual identity, one will likely experience repeated failures in new relationships.


If you're curious about sex parties, but don't know where to start, what do you do?
One interesting, although the possibly daunting approach to exploring one’s sexual identity is to attend some sex parties.  One reputable and well-established information source on where to find local sex parties is NASCA International which has listings by region of the many variations of sex parties, along with contact info, club rules and protocols and other valuable info.


If you consider yourself 'heteroflexible' (hooking up with people of your gender but haven't yet), how do you work that in your sex life?

'Heteroflexible' is a relatively new word in the human sexuality lexicon as a variation of ‘bi-sexuality’.  The main difference here is that heteroflexible people primarily sexually identify as being hetero, but are open to exploration of same-sex encounters.  If you are new to this, one of the best ways to test the waters and find a same-sex play partner is online, at such large adult dating sites as Adult FriendFinder. That particular site has been around since the early days of the internet and has hundreds of thousands of listings, including bisexual and heterosexual.  This is a great approach as it keeps your relationship exploration very much controlled with a lot of online interaction prior to arranging to hook up with a new play partner.


How do you relate to friends/family about your sexuality? How do you talk about it?
This is what is called in the LGBTQ community as “coming out (of the closet)” and is one of the most difficult processes than many people ever face with their friends and families. One valuable resource for people entering this process is the website Human Rights Campaign, who states: “Coming out and living openly isn't something you do once, or even for one year. It’s a journey that we make every single day of our lives. Every coming out experience is unique and must be navigated in the way most comfortable for the individual. Whether it's for the first time ever or the first time today, coming out can be an arduous journey. It is also a brave decision to live openly and authentically.”


How do you emotionally accept your sexual identity?
Surround yourself with people who care about you. Your friends and family love "you," not straight you or gay you, they love you.  Talk about it. Use them to lean on. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how their support will help you emotionally accept your sexual identity. If you are not yet ready to come out to your family, connect with a few trusted friends to get going through this process. That’s what friends are for!

Additionally, consider seeing a therapist that specializes in sexual identity.  They will help guide you through the process, as well as provide a safe and confidential environment to openly discuss your feelings, fears and inner thoughts.


How do you figure out how high/low your libido is? How do you satisfy it/manage it with different partners?

Libido, (sex drive), varies from person to person and between partners. While stereotypes exist (i.e.  teenagers with raging hormones), sex drive is highly personal. In addition, depending on age, stress level, relationship status, etc., a person’s desire for sex can fluctuate.
Ideally, one should find partners with a similar libido to avoid frustration and conflict down the road.  If you know that your sex drive is begging for sex twice a day, it’s best to be upfront about that with a new partner to make sure they can keep up with your pace and sexual needs.

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