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9 Kinks Real Couples Thought Were Sexy—Until They Actually Tried Them

We never read Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations back in high school, so we can only assume based off the title that it’s about the high hopes we all before sex, and the crushing disappointment we inevitably experience during and after the deed. (Quick Wikipedia fact check: Great Expectations is actually about an orphan named Pip.) Think about all the times you’ve set out to get your freak on in some kind of cool, new way, only to roll over in bed feeling bored, underwhelmed, shocked, or even scared. That’s the basis for one of our favorite new AskReddit threads: “What is something you thought would be really sexy in bed, but wasn’t?”

 

It’s a simple enough question that led to some truly inspired answers, several of which may or may not hit close to home. Many responses have to do with a kinky food experiment gone wrong, such as this gem:

“I and my GF used peanut butter, but we didn't have creamy so we used crunchy peanut butter. I put a huge glob of it on her tits and I had to bite the crunchy parts and ended up biting her nipple really hard, and then she broke out with acne days later and that was the end of that.”

Not to be outdone, another user revealed his own breast-licking escapades.

“I wanted to put whip cream on her boobs and lick it off but she didn’t have any so I figured, ‘hey Nutella is kind of the same thing’ (not true at all). Anyway I whip out the Nutella and she whips out her titty and I glob Nutella onto it and I’m really rubbing it all over her chest. I proceed to lick the Nutella only to find out it is INCREDIBLY hard to lick off of things so she is covered in a sweet hazelnut mess and we just pretty much black faced her knockers. I remember we couldn’t leave her room to get a bunch of paper towels or whatever so I had to spend a half an hour licking Nutella off her titties.”

Some Redditors offered more succinct answers such as,

“Shooting grapes out of a vagina,”

and,

“I put ice cream on my boyfriends dick then licked it off. I proceeded to ride him and had amazing sex........... then I got a yeast infection.”

To which another user replied,

“So many ways to get yeast infections in this post. Keep yo foods away from vaginas people!”

Then there were the more bizarre answers, like,

“I once slept with a woman who was ‘a demon in the sack’, complete with low guttural growling, eyes rolling to whites, and savage biting and scratching. I didn't know whether to keep f**king her or call an exorcist.”

As for tales of dirty talk gone wrong, one user wrote,

“My ex GF was German and I’m American. One day, I asked her to talk dirty to me in German while was having sex. It wasn’t sexy at all, just sounded like she was reprimanding me for something.”

“I’ve always dreamed of being called ‘daddy’ in bed,”

wrote another Redditor.

“Well it finally happened about a month ago, and it was amazingly hot! Until I remembered that she had just mentioned to me, not an hour before, that she was in a car crash with her father and her dad passed away. Talk about daddy issues.”

Another major turn-off: “Christian Bale’s Batman voice,” said one user. “Totally killed the mood.”

The whole (NSFW) thread is worth exploring, but we’ll end with this gem:

“About 10 years ago I had a one night stand with a girl. A few months later we bumped into each other at a mutual friends house party. A few hours later and we are talking and getting to know each other a bit. I asked her what her hobbies were. She tells me some form of martial arts. I can't remember which. Now I found this adorable. We were already getting a bit hot and heavy so in my wisdom, I said 'demonstrate some of that martial arts on me'. I am 6 foot 2 and probably weighed about 200lbs at the time. She was 5'5 and 90lbs at best. Tiny girl. So I put up no resistance as I simply thought all this was wannabe kung fu nonsense as she was literally half the size of me. WRONG. She abruptly turned into Jean Claud Van Damme, twisted my wrist around and delivered some sort of spin kick roundhouse thing directly to my kneecap. Dropped me like a sack of shit.”

At least he lived to tell that amazing story.

Name of author: 
by Andrew Daniels

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